10.3 Self-Esteem and Self-Reflection
The reading materials I chose to read this week are addressing the topic that I am always curious about: self-esteem and self-reflection. It says in Connected, but alone? that “we turn to technology to help us feel connected in ways we can comfortably control.” And in Text-based communication influences self-esteem more than face-to-face or cellphone communication, it mentions previous predictions that computer-mediated communication, which reduces in-person social pressures and puts greater emphasis on message content, can thus be more valuable for self-esteem (Valkenburg & Peter, 2009a). To be more specific, we get to present the versions of ourselves that we want others to see even though it might not be true. It seems we have this urge to be in control of a situation. Sometimes, this urge is natural and harmless. But there are times when it would turn into something horrible.
There is an example that I think is related to what I have talked about in the last paragraph and it might help us understand the negative aspect of the control issue. When I was in middle school, I loved a sitcom called Lizzie McGuire. In one episode of that show, one of Lizzie’s best friends, Miranda suddenly faints during dancing because she is unsatisfied with her weight and figure, which results in going on a diet. Moreover, Miranda becomes really moody, grumpy and agitated in all kinds of situations. In the end, Miranda finally tells her friends the truth behind all her seemingly strange behaviors: she thinks controlling her weight by choosing not to eat is somehow the only matter she has a say in at that stage of her life.
(Video: Miranda's Eating Disorder Discussion)
Like Miranda who is upset by all the academic pressure and uncertainty about the future, we are also frustrated by or afraid of all the complex interpersonal relationships and serious problems we need to deal with in real lives. Therefore, we choose to find our power on the internet where we get to decide what images of ourselves we want to put out there, what content we want to see and we want others to see and when we would like to start a conversation, etc. But the fact is “we're not so comfortable. We are not so much in control” (Turkle, 2012, April). And it is really ironic that what we are trying to do in order to take some sort of control of our own lives by immersing ourselves in the virtual world actually reflects the vulnerability of the inside because we want to be noticed, to be heard, to be cared about and to be appreciated.
Maybe it’s time for us to slow down and choose the pace that’s truly right for us. We should leave enough time to take our time on the things that matter and we should cultivate the ability to be alone and to manage and contain one’s emotions (Turkle, 2007). This is a piece of advice which is worth everybody’s attention, including myself. I constantly feel extremely uncomfortable and anxious surrounded by strangers when I am alone in a public space, thus I always try to connect to my friends via social media platforms on my phone. In those cases, I don’t really have something to say, instead, I just want to find some kind of comfort by feeling the virtual company of my friends. It’s like an addiction that I cannot get rid of and I can feel the situation is getting worse when I will have panic attacks if my friends don’t instantly reply my messages. The development of digital media in a sense makes us forget that it is both normal and essential to be alone and construct our own self-esteem and self-reflection in a quiet and undisturbed way.
Qinqin, it's truly enjoyable to read your post since we have similar feelings. Too often that I feel uncomfortable surrounded by people who I don't know. In this case, my parents and my friends just tell me that I should break this circle and try to make new friends. I'm even more nervous when I find that I just cannot achieve this goal. At the same time, we check our mobile phones immediately while getting off the plane and cannot stop looking at our phones while having dinners, watching movies and even taking courses. All the time we spend on the uncomfortable moments will finally lead to less time we have to talk with ourselves. To know ourselves is more important than to know others, right? We care about what others think of us both online and offline. However, the others' thoughts can never constitute the real "us". If we want to know ourselves for real, to have more self-esteem, maybe we need more time to stay with ourselves.
ReplyDeleteHi Mengshi,
DeleteThank you so much for reading! Yes, I totally agree with you on the point that we should really spend more time with "ourselves" and explore the real versions of ourselves. The facts that you mentioned about constantly checking our cellphones are really interesting because to a certain extent, they reflect that we seem to have trouble focusing on ourselves and the environments around us. Although I am not sure about whether or not knowing about ourselves is more important than knowing about others, it is really significant to get to know ourselves first before learning about others because we won't be able to engage in meaningful conversations or discussions if we don't even know what we really think and how we really feel.
Hi Qinqin, I understand your feeling and I'm dealing with my own solitude as well. But as Turkle said in her talk, solitude is not that horrified, right? When we feel that social media or electronic communication devices cannot cure our pain, maybe we should firstly stop depending on them and accept our genuine feelings. What do we need actually? If what we crave is companion, we find some communities to join in where people truly care about each other; if we want to have high-quality talks, we need to first express ourselves and see who share the common ideas with us. I remember Turkle said that people are afraid of loneliness and intimacy at the same time. However, we need to make a choice at some period.
ReplyDeleteAs for the self-reflection you mentioned, I'm wondering wether in solitude or in communicating with others can we build or find self-reflection. Based on my own experience, I always explore more about my characteristics, strengths and inspirations when I have deep communication with others.
Last but not least, I just want to express my support to you! You are such a nice girl and I'm here for you if you want to have a talk!
Hi Yanran,
DeleteI am so grateful to you for being so nice to me! I must admit that I am definitely the type of person who is always overthinking or overanalyzing situations when there is really no need to do that. I hope that I could eventually arrive at a place where I am comfortable with being with myself and being around strangers. I will keep what you said in mind that solitude is not necessarily a bad thing and that I should try to be connected to those around me who understand and appreciate my opinions. Again, thank you for your support. It's really kind of you to say things like that.
Hi Qinqin,
ReplyDeleteI am very in favor of your statement that sometimes we just want to find some comfort in the virtual life to escape some messy stuff and negative emotions in real life. It seems like we can enjoy the simple ways of communicating online and find a shelter. Carefully constructed images online satisfy our needs to be heard and supported, and it also can be an encouragement for our daily life since we intend to filter messy elements and keep eye on positive things. "Possible selves" may also reflects our deepest desire and our directions. But there is no need to fit in others' expectation. In my sense, what really matters is the harmony with our inner thoughts.
Hi Muyun,
DeleteThank you so much for reading! Indeed, trying to find comfort online is something we seem to do on a daily basis. I guess it's really great that we each can have a place to hide in the virtual world in a sense. You are right about the point that we don't need to be obsessed with others' feelings and expectations. After all, we are the ones who have been and will be living our lives, not them.